When You Feel Like You’re Not Enough

You know when you have those days? You know the ones. Everyone has them. The ones where you feel utterly useless, hopeless and like you’re doing everything wrong. Today was one of those days. 

Today pretty much everything that could go wrong, did. Eden wouldn’t go back to sleep after her first bottle like she usually does and both Amy and I had headaches. So the baby was bouncing around like the happiest thing on Earth and all I could think was “go the f*ck to sleep.” Then when we eventually DID get her back to sleep, we were woken up by the dogs loudly announcing the arrival of the postman, which didn’t help with me still feeling like I had a camel sitting on my head. Amy and I fought on the way to the station and then she had to go to work and just leave it hanging in mid air. Eden and I headed to the local park and found a spot for her to crawl around and then it happened.

I. Lost. My. Shit. Totally lost it. Tears in the park. You know when everything gets on top of you and just sits there? The house is a dump, we’re short(er than usual) on money because of maternity pay (or lack thereof) and the dogs are being as irritating as they come. Then you’ve got this amazing, adorable baby who wants to explore everything and just can’t sit still for longer than five minutes flat.

Watching her in the park, all kinds of things crossed my mind. I wondered if I was enough. I wondered if we were doing it right. It’s fairly obvious to me that neither Amy nor I have a fricking clue what we are doing. As soon as we get the hang of Eden, she changes. I know it’s normal, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I know we are perfectly normal first time parents who are doing the best we can, but when the doubt creeps in that is hard to deal with. If only there was a rule book or some kind of tick list or guide. Something that would give you a green light when you’re doing good and a red light when you’re not.

Then I chilled my shit out. Why?

baby

That happy little face. That little stick carrying weirdo who was sitting, grinning at me on the grass. Who, shortly after I took this, crawled over to me, curled up in my lap and went to sleep. Through looking at her, I know we’re enough. I know we’re doing a good job. She doesn’t have to say it because we can see it. It’s there every time she smiles, every time she says “mama” and every time she comes to us for cuddles. Every time she wants to share her happiness with us or comes to us for comfort it’s because we’re doing a good job. Of course we have no idea what we are doing – we’ve never done this before. We’re learning as Eden learns and it’s ok to find that hard.

So, there you have it. Parenting like it is. Sometimes it’s unicorns and rainbows. Other times it’s tears in the park. But what it comes back to is the fact that however hard it is and however many challenges are in our way, we are doing a great job. I only have to look at my happy little girl to see that.

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday
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17 Responses to When You Feel Like You’re Not Enough

  1. Beautiful. She is beautiful. And you ARE enough because you love her and you move changed your world to be her mother. Never, ever feel like you are anything short of incredible.

    • Thankyou. I don’t think anyone realises how much of a change parenting will be. It’s a bit overwhelming at times (and that’s a bit of an understatement!)

      • My boys are 4 and very nearly 2 and I am still regularly overwhelmed. And I still have days when I feel like I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I think it’s something we all experience, but there are things my boys do that let me know I’m doing okay and that they love me even though I’m not perfect. And because you love your daughter and you worry that you’re not enough for her, you will always be far more than enough and push yourself to be better every day. That’s what makes you a brilliant mum :).

      • Good to know I’m not the only one xx

  2. Kitten says:

    I found myself nodding in solidarity through everything you wrote. Sometimes we just need a good cry and cuddles from an adorable baby to reset things. You ARE doing a fantastic job!

  3. Arwen says:

    Hugs! I’ve been there myself recently more times than I can count. But you’re right, just looking at our gorgeous girls and we can both see we’re doing the absolute best for them.

  4. Ah I almost cried reading this. I can relate to this so much. I think we’re all winging it every one of us. And look at that gorgeous happy smile. You’re smashing it mamma! xx #KCACOLS

  5. Just beautiful! She’s gorgeous and you are clearly doing a fab job. But as first time parents we doubt ourselves and it’s hard… but those little precious moments make it so worth it. Thanks for linking to #KCACOLS Hope to see you again next week.

    Nadia – ScandiMummy x

  6. Such a perfect post – I have days like that all of the time and I just cry and cry! I think I get a bit overwhelmed, but then you snap out of it and realise that all of those worries can be dealt with! She is gorgeous, and I adore that bib!! #KCACOLS

  7. No one can ever fully embrace the absolute change that comes with a baby until they’ve had a baby themselves. Your post left me in tears, because I’ve been there. I’ve been the one sobbing, feeling like a failure, only to have my little boy smile at me for the first time. These kids, as frustrating as they can be, are pretty amazing. And I know I don’t have to tell you this, but you’re enough. You are sooooo much more than enough ❤ #KCACOLS

  8. Soppymum says:

    I really think all parents can relate to this. You have days when you are pushed to your absolute limit, but you are a great mother and she will think you are perfect. Get lots of cuddles and try not to be too hard on yourself #kcacols

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