I wanted to say thankyou for everyone’s lovely comments on my post yesterday. Infertility is difficult, draining and makes you feel totally worthless. I say this again and again, but when you’re a teenager you’re told that if you so much as come faff to face with a sperm you will immediately become pregnant. My faff has come face to face with a sperm twenty one times over the last almost three years and as of yet only one failed pregnancy. Teenage me is amazed!
I don’t think anyone realises how difficult infertility is intil they have been through it. I have friends who have tried to sympathise, who do their very best to imagine how it must feel. Some of them have kids, some not. But the ones who do had them easily and therefore will never truly understand – although of course their empathy is appreciated. I know I didn’t realise how hard this would be. I had some idea of how hard the “not getting pregnant” side of things would be, but not all the barriers that crop up. I didn’timagine I would feel so bitter sometimes and I didn’t imagine that it would make me not want to see dear friends at all. It has a habit of making you want to curl up in a hole and never come out again.
People say you shouldn’t feel like a failure, but it s very difficult not to. What I’ve come to realise is that yes, my body is failing me when it comes to the task of growing a baby. However, that doesn’t make me a failure. I am more than infertility. That is just one part of me. The rest of me is doing pretty good.
So, that brings me to the master plan! Amy and I both said at the start of this year that we can’t get crazy and give up. We need to JUST KEEP TRYING because that is the only way that this thing will happen. We can’t “not try, not prevent” and taking a cycle off is just like throwing an egg down the sink, so we might as well plug on. It’s become almost part of our monthly routine, now. But we’re going to keep planning stuff. Not doing the old “should we book that? We might be pregnant by then.” Nope. We’re just going to do it. Just get on with it and do it.
When I see this doctor on the 7th January I intend to take a short list of things that we need to discuss. Once they’re discussed, I want a plan. No excuses, no drama. I just want a plan. I need to know what the next step is and where we are going.
1) Referral. I’m going to ask for a referral to the hospital that I work at. I did pop over to the unit earlier and asked what the waiting time was for a new appointment at present and it was six weeks, which is not ideal but it will do. Which brings me on to my second question.
2) Testing. There are tests I should have had done before clomid was even considered. I haven’t had day three bloods for over two years now, so I am going to ask for those to be repeated. I would also like a progesterone blood test at 7dpo for the next couple of cycles, just so it is clear to see whether or not I am ovulating anf how well. I am going to ask for a HSG, because it scares me somewhat that my doctor was just willing to send me away with clomid when my tubes might be blocked. Obviously, we know that wasn’t a problem in the past as I concieved before, BUT who knows whether one or both of my tubes aren’t a bit bliocked at present. If they’re not, great. But I don’t want to go pumping my ovaries full of drugs to make big fat eggs if they can’t go anywhere. According to the NICE (The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence) guidelines, before clomid is offered I should be tested for rubella immunity, sexually transmitted infections, candida, gardnerella and trichomonas. I should also have a cervical smear test taken. Only after all of that is done, including the HSG, should I be given clomid. I figured I can get most of this done in the six weeks waiting for the appointment.
So, realistically, this could add another twelve weeks on to getting clomid. However, I really do think that if something is worth doing it is worth doing properly. We can try in the mean time and the fact that all this stuff would already be tested would rule out those things as problems in the future. In the meantime I will also be continuing to OPK and will be charting with my new Ovusense Fertility Monitor, which I will be reviewing over the coming months. Aside from that it’s the usual lose weight, get healthy and make my body ready for growing that lovely little one.
I’m confident that we are on the road to our forever baby. We’re not there yet, but we’re closer than we were yesterday and further away than we will be tomorrow.